I'm not sure what to call this feeling. There are three things that always trigger these feelings: Christmas, my birthday and one event I'd rather not divulge in public. No matter how I surround myself with love and focus it to our bundle of joy, that feeling of despair creeps out attacking you out nowhere living you feeling dejected and vulnerable. And I don't know how to channel it to something else. I used to get a hold of that feeling and pour it into words and write free verse or walk aimlessly in the streets of downtown Manila until I find that peace in bookstores and get lost in books. Or ride a bus to the farthest city in the Metro just to feel the wind blow my hair and watch the urban scenery pass by. I cannot do that now. Not with my responsibility to my little girl. I feel so contained. So trapped. And I can't even cry. I can't even let it go and get it off my chest. I just feel so lost.